Drowning and Chaos

Most of the time, I do not remember my dreams. There are times that I’ll wake up and remember it being really weird but not know the details of them. There are other times when I do not know if the dreams were part of my reality or if it was all in my head. I never know if it was real or not until the event happens and it turns out to be déjà vu.

In the most recent dream that I remembered, had a lot to do with water and chaos. I was out at a harbor and looking at all the boats that were there. Somehow, I had a boat that belonged to me and I was going to take it out. I was untying the rope that was keeping the boat in place at the dock, and then untying the rope that was on the boat. Suddenly, I just fell into the water. I expected to fall into some deep water of a lake or sea but it was shallow. I ended up falling into water that was only a foot or two deep. The dream went from me on a dock to playing in the water with a friend. We were both just dancing and jumping around in it. I think this was because I was watching Glee and they did a version of Rihanna’s song “Umbrella” on the show and dancing in the rain.

The other portion of the dream was craziness. I was trying to go out to do some simple errands but everything felt so rushed. There were people walking super fast. I think it was a nice, sunny day and possibly a weekend. I felt that no one should be doing this much on a lovely day. Everyone just needed to slow down and relax. I remember getting into my car to go somewhere and there were maniacs in the other cars around me. I was almost hit a few times from people changing lanes or people merging into my lane but trying to pass me up. These were the people that tried to run me off the road. My heart was beating so fast and I was feeling very anxious. Then, my alarm went off before anything else can happen. But it was an intense feeling for me to wake up out of.

I didn’t realize that my dreams had any particular meaning until later in the week. When I was dreaming about all the water and falling into it, it was telling me about the rain that we were going to have. Just yesterday, it was pouring so much that just walking in it made me feel like I was falling in a lake. Then again, there was so much rain that I was soaking wet in my shoes. I’m just happy that I was able to stay out of the rain for most of the day but it was hectic.

 

The other part of chaos turned out to be a warning for work. I’m a new full-time key-holder at American Eagle Outfitters at Tanforan and I let my store manager know that I was going to be on break and was able to work the maximum amount of hours for the week. When I got my schedule, it turns out that the chaos is going to come to me in the 46 hours that I am scheduled to work. It is going to be incredibly hectic and full of chaos on black Friday, which we call green Friday because we make money, since I will be working a 10 hour shift. This week is going to be craziness but I’ll be happy when I see my paycheck.

Liberating Opportunities from Life's Challenges

Living your life always presents challenges. They are always coming at you in all different forms. Challenges may come from a job, getting an education, or getting out of a bad situation. How you go about it makes you who you are. It is a reflection of what kind of person you are.

            I am able to respond to these challenges by putting a lot of thought into what is happening. You try to evaluate the situation, think of options to go about it, thinking about the future and the end result. You take into account of whether the challenge is going to benefit you or not by looking at all the pros and cons. I always try to look for guidance through family, friends, or people that have established themselves in the field that I am going to be challenged.

            Going into a challenge, you would most likely want to prepare for anything you may have to face. Such as moving out, going to college, and doing it on my own. I was the first in my family to go to college since my parents were only high school graduates, at the most. I was able to obtain knowledge of what I was going to get myself into from other counselors at school and older siblings of friends. I tried to get as many views and advices to prepare myself. Knowing that college was going to be a challenge to get into classes, pass them, and graduate, there is the brighter side of getting a better paying job and setting myself up for a better life.

            Another way that I was able to prepare was get two first jobs after high school because I knew that I was going to have to pay any other costs of college that my financial aid was not going to pay for. I was able to work and save up a lot of money because I was working full time at Save Mart, which lots of the people called slave mart because the constant running around and lists of things to do by every manager working, and working part time at American Eagle Outfitters. After school started up again, I decided to keep my part time job in order to go to school full time. I have been at American Eagle for almost four and a half years now and it is going well, getting a promotion and taking on the full time position. Doing full time work and full time school is going to be a challenge but I know it will be liberating, knowing I am getting my education and paying for everything on my own.

            This whole process was a challenge. Moving out and having to find a place to live that was in my budget. Going to college and taking classes that were rigorous but beneficial for me in the long run for my future career. Doing everything on my own is liberating because I know I am able to do anything I put my mind into. Being the independent person makes me stronger and it shows with the people that are around me. Even my roommates were surprised how independent I was when any challenges were brought my way. Every challenge I have faced, there are liberating moments and I get a lot of satisfaction from it.

            Guidance figures like Daru are essential. There is always someone in our lives that we go to for advice. They would be the ones to have your best interest at heart and want to see you do well in anything and everything. They are likely to go out on a limb for us because they get the satisfaction of seeing us move forward and succeed. That might be all they look for because they don’t get any personal gain. There is a trust there and you value their opinion. When there is someone that is going out on such a limb for us and doing anything possible for you, it makes you feel obligated to do right by them and yourself. I would want to be able to do what they did for me, for someone else down the road. They may have had someone help them and they are doing that for us. It is a way of paying it forward. When you have someone that is benefiting you, you are going to want to do the same for someone else.

The Guest

In the story, The Guest from Albert Camus’ Exile and the Kingdom, my favorite character would have to be Daru. He was the schoolteacher that helped every child that came to school and even helped the father and brothers with grains. He even mentioned in the story of why he was more happy having little to himself if he was able to help everyone first. Another thing that stood out about Daru was that he was very patient with a prisoner that was staying overnight before being turned in for murder. There was never a time where Daru was rude and angry to the Arab prisoner. Most answers to Balducci were kept short and to the point. Daru was nice to nourish the prisoner while he was staying at the school. Daru offered him tea, food, showed him where to bathe, and even set up a place to sleep. It does not sound too common where a person would treat a murderer so kindly in his home. What was also surprising was how much Daru trusted the Arab prisoner having no need to have a weapon so close for protection. Daru treated this prisoner as if he were any other guest in the school. Treating them how he would like to be treated. 

Live, Learn, Love

Fromm believes that the art of loving is not just directed to your significant other. It is more of a whole of how you treat everyone in our surroundings. You would have to be objective. In doing so, there is inner activity and outer activity. Inner activity is what you do yourself, such as the knowledge or reflection of oneself. Outer activity is what you do to others, such as communication, openness, receptiveness.

One way to learn about being objective is moving to another city and finding roommates to live with for school. This is what happened to me. I had moved out to San Francisco from a little town called Tracy, which is in the central valley. I was able to move into a townhouse with some friends that I knew back in high school. I knew these girls and hung out with them but it was always on campus or in a group setting, so I was not as close to them as I was to others. I did not know if I was going to be able to get along with them after learning more about them and their habits. Hanging out with friends is very different from living with them, seeing them all the time.

At the beginning of the year, we were all having the best of time. It was good because we were all getting along and it was fun because we were just getting to know each other. It is kind of like the start of a new relationship, you see all the good parts before the bad. It is even like a first date. You try to do the right thing or say the right thing and show nothing that is unflattering about oneself to the other. After some time in the house, we were all getting comfortable with each other and start acting more like them. In the household, there are some that are very messy and some are very clean.

I am pretty kept together and have things organized in my room. Don’t get me wrong, I do have those days where I have things lying around for a couple days in my personal area, such as my side of the room. I don’t like leaving a mess in common areas, such as the kitchen or living room. I remember seeing one of my roommates leaving her stuff out in the kitchen because she was making lunch. I thought she would clean after herself after she eats. Then, she left her leftovers on the table in the living room before she left the house. I wanted to see what she was going to do when she got back but she didn’t do anything. I asked her if she could clean after herself or at least put everything in the sink. She agreed and explained to me that she is not normally like this at home. It’s just the fact that she is now on her own, her parents are not there and she’s a little busier with school. I kept an open mind because there are other factors to what she was doing and it was good to get an understanding and know where she was coming from instead of jumping to conclusions of her being a slob. It still happens every now and then but we have gone through so much and gotten much closer, so I tolerate more. 

I am trying to be responsible and keep the house under some control. I know not everyone is going to be just like me. There are some compromises or adjustments that need to be made to keep a good relationship. I was able to be “productive” with this because you need to treat each situation the same. Try to understand all sides and then take action. Being objective is good for everything and makes you a better person. The lesson learned from this situation is that you should treat the others how you would like to be treated. If I were doing something that someone didn’t like, I would like to hear from them and try to adjust myself, while still being myself, not completely changing who I am. This relates to significant others because you put in the same thought if not more by listening to them and understanding where they are coming from. You still have to keep your standards. Once you are able to live by your own standards, you will have a better understanding of yourself, and do the same to others around you. It is only until then that you will be able to love someone else. 

A Little Bit Can Go A Long Way

One of my favorite songs at the moment is “Miracle” by Norwegian Recycling. It is an amazing mash-up of songs of several different genres. There are a total of 16 samplings of different tracks applied to this song. The songs included are: Michael Jackson’s “Miracle”, Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger”, Bruno Mars’ “Just the Way You Are”, B.O.B. ft. Bruno Mars’ “Nothing On You”, Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy”, Britney Spears’ “Hit Me, Baby, One More Time”, Jason Durelo’s “In My Head”, Justin Timberlake’s “My Love”, Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance”, Leona Lewis’ “Bleeding Love”, Ne Yo’s “So Sick”, Snoop Dogg’s “Sexual Eruption” and “Signs”, Taylor Swift’s “Fifteen” and “Fearless”, and Savage Garden’s “The Animal Song.”

This song is important to me because this is not what I normally come across that often. There are often remixes of songs but not like this. There are 16 tracks that blend and go so well together. If I was unfamiliar with the various tracks on this mash-up, I would have had no idea that every part was an individual artist, in a solo path, not a group.

This song represents how I see things with myself or others; such as being in a dark place and knowing that things will get better. This song can be interpreted as a song for a better world, religion, or spirituality. This past summer was not the best summer. With unfortunate events of knowing five people that have passed away, I still believe that there are miracles for the survivors left behind. Whether the deaths were suicide or illness, families were able to get out of being in such a dark place. There’s always hope for better.

The experience of listening to the song makes me think of hope. The lyrics, “I’m going to take it slow back on the street, and take my time now that I’m back on my feet.” This is coming from two different tracks, Snoop Dogg’s “Sexual Eruption” and Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” which does just that. The rhythm is up tempo. There is a faster beat which makes the heart beat a little faster. It’s true that when you listen to something that is slower in pace can calm you down and once you listen to something that has a faster beat can get your heart racing. Once you are in your happy place it is something to remember. Such as the lyrics, “Just dance in this moment. Now capture it, remember it.” This portion of the song is from Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” and Taylor Swift’s “Fearless.”

There are many emotions that can be exposed from this song. Most of the artists that are part of this mash-up are singing their truths that connect with me. There are lyrics on their own separate tracks that represent parts of me. Such as “perfect just the way you are” and “just dance, it’s going to be okay.” This is how I live my life and being consistent with it. Allen Watts’ video was telling us that we should not focus on the end note. It is too often that where were want to be in life is taking over every aspect of your life. This song is not like that for me. I want to keep listening to the song and not hope that the song ends soon. I have listened to this song to kill time, while studying, and just for a good listen. If it were a song that I didn’t enjoy, then I would just hit the next button. I actually do this to a lot of songs that are on my iTunes too. I just haven’t gotten tired of the song yet. But in the meantime, I can’t get enough of it.

Organ Donor

My favorite song from DJ Shadows would have to be Organ Donor. I wasn’t sure who made this song but I recently heard it in a hip hop dance class while we were warming up and it takes me back to my high school days too. Just from the short amount of time this song lasts, it makes me think of a couple of my friends and how they would break, starting off their routine, to songs just like Organ Donor, during our lunch period on the side of the cafeteria. This song is part of my youth and how I got into a bit of hip hop. I really wasn’t much of a hip hop head but I liked whatever I heard, whether I knew who the artist was or not. With each day the guys had their session, the songs they played grew on me. Songs like Organ Donor by DJ Shadows, are absolutely timeless. It just doesn’t seem to get anywhere close to being played out. Even watching the videos of their competitions, the video was compiled with songs back to the year is album was released, 1996, to older albums, dubbed over them. There are different elements in the song that doesn’t make it tiresome to hear often. The beats are constantly changing. It is also a memory of a transition in my life. It was expanding my horizons.  It’s crazy how this song is from an artist we are required to listen to for class. 

Learning from Mistakes and Changing Bad Habits

In the movie Groundhog Day, Rita does have a powerful influence over Phil and there is no doubt about it. Phil is a narcissist, for sure. He is constantly thinking that he is the best and a “talent” that is too good for certain places. Rita is the complete opposite. She is optimistic, going with the flow of things, and making the most of any day.

Phil was being very pessimistic and rude to every person that he was coming across. He was not willing to have any type of small chit chat with the people at the bed and breakfast, no sympathy for the poor man on the corner, or even catch up with someone that he has had history with. It is not known about how long Phil was stuck living Groundhog’s Day for but was trying ever way possible to end the repeating day, either by committing suicide or not caring for others throughout the course of the day. No matter which day it was in the repetitiveness for Phil, Rita was always upbeat and happy. She was the one to give him advice about what to do, which was to improve himself.

She brings out the best in him and was able to show him the light of better living. He was able to learn from mistakes he made on previous, repeated days to make better on the next. He discovered that there was no point in being sour ever repeated day when you can make the most of it. This was shown in the movie that he was able to know everyone in town and their stories, help the town's people, learn to play the piano, ice sculpt, and even speak French. In achieving this, he was able to get out of the repeats of Groundhog’s Day and move onto the next day.

I think the movie’s message about “true love” is that you can’t win anyone over with egotistical charm. A person with good qualities and an optimistic is going to like someone that is closer to who they are. Phil went from being a person with poor, pessimistic qualities living the same day, every single day, to a person that reached enlightenment, becoming a better person, and moving on with life. It showed in the movie, when it was the day after Groundhog’s Day and Rita was still with him.

One Size Does Not Fit All

Growing up in a Vietnamese family, I was never the one to really blend. I was never the typical, short or skinny, Asian. I have always been really tall, curvy, and even have big eyes. Most people that see me for the first time never believe that I am Vietnamese. Since I work in retail, I hear often enough, “What are you?” The most recent was a Filipino couple asking me. The husband thought I was Filipina and the wife thought I was Samoan. And just this past summer, there was a family gathering, for an unfortunate event, my uncles and aunts saw me and were not able to recognize me. Some of the family members I haven’t seen in over a decade, others a few years. If it weren’t for me being next to my mother and speaking in Vietnamese, no one would have guessed.

My self-consciousness had come from my mother. She was always constantly saying how fat I was. I was always an active child. I was quite a tomboy, so I played so many sports. No matter how active I was, there was no way for me to get down to a small size. I was always at average. Even to this day, my mom still calls me fat. It doesn’t help that my sister is a size 00. To American standards, I’m smaller than the average size. But in the eyes of my mother, I have a lot to work on. Her consistency on this subject gets tiring and takes a toll.

I truly don’t want to believe that it’s all malicious. I would like to think that she wants better for me. She doesn’t want me to be obese and have health problems. I even tell her that being as skinny as my sister isn’t healthy either. Most times, she doesn’t respond. Other times, I think she may be harder on me because of the fact that I look like my father. There was an ugly past with him and she may be harboring feelings about it.

I try to be in shape as much as I could, with the time I have. There are always other priorities that come first over working out or eating right. Knowing that I am in better shape than some of the skinniest girls I know, I am content with being my size. I have embraced my figure and it’s become me. I just don’t see myself ever being the mass media, or my mother’s, ideal size 0 or 2. As long as I’m healthy, I am fine. Because isn’t that what really matters? Size doesn’t always show how healthy you are. It definitely varies from person to person.

Looking at my story, the shadows that I had to overcome for the most part was the parenting at home and some of society. The puppeteers were parent and the mass media with the ideal image they set out. I felt that I was in the shadows, being in doubt of myself and how I looked compared to the typical Asian. I was able to escape from the cave and these puppeteers by self evaluation, wondering if I was doing what was right for me. I’m going to be happy with myself before making other people happy. It sounds selfish but it’s more like the saying, “How can you love someone else, if you don’t love yourself?”

This blog does relate to my truth blog in a way. I know to be true to myself. Your truth is constantly evolving as you evolve. With every obstacle or event, you find out more about yourself than you know.

The Naked Truth

Some truth quotes that made me reflect a couple events I have encountered.

“Craft must have clothes, but truth loves to go naked.” –Thomas Fuller.

In high school, one of my best friends was jumping from one girl to another. There seemed to be a cycle and time frame with each one. I honestly don’t think that he knew that I knew all of these girls. He was the one to tell stories about each one and how the relationship didn’t work out. I knew some of these girls very well, over the years, and the stories didn’t add up. I had some classes with these girls and the subject of him always came up. I had asked him about different girls later in the year and stories were mixed up from when he first told me. This put our friendship in a gray area. Later, we were supposed to hang out with a group of people to see a show. The show had already started when got a text saying he had no money to go and had to be home to help his mother. Literally, 1 minute later, everyone sees him walking around with a girl and a Starbucks in hand. If you’re a coffee drinker there, you should know that those do cost more than you would like. Come next day, I asked him what was going on. He was giving excuses left and right. More layers of lies to cover the truth. He finally admitted to the truth and said that he had money to go but wanted a day out, everything free. He only went out with this girl because she paid everything when they went out. Someone that was able to use another in such a way and have no problem with it was toxic. It has been years since I last seen him. From those closest to me that have seen him around, his bad habits haven’t gone away.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” –Mark Twain.

This is essential to my life. Who would want to think harder than they should, to keep stories straight, if they were telling the truth? I know I wouldn’t. That would give me the worst headache and I already have enough to think about with my courses. It’s better to get right to the point, like ripping off a band aid fast. I remember my senior year; I was off doing projects for school or studying for AP tests. Never did I lie about where I was going to be or who I was going to be with. Unfortunately, my stepfather thought I was lying and would make an excuse to check up on me. Whether it was driving pass the library to see if my car was there, to go to the post office, which was clearly on the opposite side of town. Or making a trip to the grocery store for one item and check if I was really at the donut shop where my friend worked at, in the same shopping cernter. He expected me to be the one to lie, saying that I was going to study but not really, and be off somewhere else, but make more excuses to why I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. It really is beneficial to tell the truth and not have to remember anything.

Truth holds accuracy, facts, and has no layers. It is a way of life that I would prefer to live. Truth can come in many forms: pictures, songs, emotions. It can come at you as slow as the speed of a snail or a 90 MPH fastball. Looking at my life, I’m glad to have those close to me tell me the truth, in any situation, and not sugar coat it. Wouldn’t you want to know the truth from the ones closest to you?